We Have a Match!

At long last we have a match for adoption! What a journey this has been. If you have been following Austin and me on this journey, you will know that we restarted the process after returning from Germany in 2015. We got all of our paperwork approved and were entered onto the Bulgarian waiting list in the spring of 2016. The wait was long and we (particularly me) were getting discouraged and wondering why God was taking so long to bless us with children. 

Much to our surprise, I found out I was pregnant with Gideon in 2017. This news was long awaited, but also received with a little sadness for what this might mean for the adoption. We knew the pregnancy policy of our adoption agency would most likely delay our adoption. Once we spoke with them though, we found out that things were taking longer than expected and it would likely be 2 more years before we received a match. This was plenty of time to have a baby and for him to grow to be at least one before we got a match. 

After we had Gideon, we updated our home study and decided to change the requirements for the adoption from 2 children up to the age of 6 to 1 child younger than Gideon. This was a hard choice, but was encouraged by our agency. They informed us that it can be hard to change birth order for biological kids, especially for the oldest if they have reached the age of 2. That was looking more likely for our case and parenthood was turning out to be more challenging that we imagined. I can now put into perspective all the comments people make to new parents and how true they can be. "The days are long, but the years are short." "Enjoy them while they're young; they won't want to cuddle forever!" "Sleep when they sleep." This one really only works with the first born. Oh, how I wish I could have slept all the time Miria slept. 

Shortly after having Gideon, I had this very strong sense that I would get pregnant again and it would be a girl. This was terrifying and exciting at the same time. I have gotten along better with boys most of my life and I said when I was younger that I just wanted to have boys. I believe God was giving me a heads up so I could prepare my heart and my mind for having a girl. Almost 2 years later when I got pregnant with Miria, I knew in my heart my baby girl was in there! At the gender reveal it was a much needed confirmation for my heart that God is with me and he cares for me. 

If you know me well, you know that I have struggled with my faith for many years. God has really used children to show me that I am His child and he cares for me. The fall before I became pregnant with Gideon I sat in the front row of church each Sunday and cried. I am good at hiding my emotions. Probably too good. Turns out Austin didn't even notice. I felt so alone and unseen. I especially felt forgotten by God. I was close to walking away from the faith. Earlier this year one of my good friends had walked away from the faith and while I could feel her pain, I wasn't sure if I believed the same way. I sat on this fence for years. There were many points that I thought I would fall off on the side of atheism or agnosticism,  but Jesus is faithful; we have a loving, patient Father God. 

Shortly before becoming pregnant with Gideon, I was asked if I wanted to fast and pray with a friend of mine for the month. I said no. She told me that was ok and that she would pray for me. Later that month, I was driving home from an errand and caught a glimpse of the mountains. Seeing the beautiful mountains fills me with a sense of unexplainable peace, every. single. time. While I was coming down the hill, I had this overwhelming feeling of peace (more than normal) and decided to stop fighting with God for a little bit. I was going to stop questioning everything and just believe. A month later I found out I was pregnant. The voyage back to full faith in Jesus Christ as my savior is still ongoing, but I am happy to report that God has been using my kids over and over and over again to show me my weaknesses and show me how He is enough to fill in my insufficiencies! 

After updating our home study for the new parameters, we were informed it would be a couple more years before we'd likely receive a match. That turned out to be true. About 2 years after Gideon was born we received a match for a little boy that was just 4 months younger than little G. Much to my delight I was pregnant with Miria but this meant be had to decline the match received for this little boy. Then the pandemic started which would have delayed and frustrated the process for us. I still pray for this little guy and hope that he is with the very best family now!

Miria was born August of 2020, right in the middle of the pandemic (or what we thought would be the middle...) We are so grateful for her and it was good to have a year of not being sick with a newborn.  It has been a very hard year though. I wasn't offered as much help as I was with Gideon and having two littles is tough. It has really made me a stronger woman though. I am a better mother for it, even if I feel that I have failed my kids in a lot of ways. I am realizing that every mother fails at something though and we all do our best and love our kids in ways that others never could. I choose to accept the saying "you are the best mother for your kids and that is why God gave you to them." I am going to cling to that as we bring our new daughter home too. God didn't intend for Gideon to have a little brother that is almost his age. He gave Gideon sisters and Miria an older sister. 

Our new little girl was born April of 2019 to a mother that was unable to care for her. She was born early with an infection that left her in the hospital for the first month of her life, but God has answered our prayers over her and provided her with a foster family that has loved her and cared for her. She has only known them as her family. They have taken her to their vacation home in the country and her foster sister (20 years old) who was adopted as well, visits and enjoys her. She is the only child in the home and gets to be around peers 1 day a week at daycare. She loves to draw and seems to be mild tempered. We are so eager to meet her in person. We got to have a daily meeting for an hour with her for 5 days through zoom. Normally this would have been in person, but due to the pandemic it wasn't possible for us to travel at this time. Even though the visits were from 1:30-2:40am every morning, they were so precious. The last morning we were saying goodbye she was saying "Ne! Ne!" It was so sweet that she didn't want to say goodbye and I really had to hold back my tears. I knew I wouldn't get to interact with her again until we go to pick her up.

While I am so excited to pick her up, I am also so sad for her. She is about to experience the biggest trauma of her life. I get teary eyed everything I think about it. Out of the ashes comes the beauty. We are excited we get to be her forever family! Gideon and Miria are going to have another sibling to love. Austin and I get to have another daughter. If adding another child is anything like what I think it will be, we are going to have some hard moments. It is going to be worth every struggle and tear though. I look forward to us all bonding, to days at the park in the sunshine, to traveling and exploring our world, to snuggles and movie nights. I look forward to us all being a family together!

The kick off of this holiday season with us together as just a family of 4, has been special. It wasn't expected for us to not host but we had the best family day ever on Thanksgiving. I cannot wait for our other daughter to be with us next year and for us to be able to share her name and pictures! I wish you all peace, happiness and health this holiday season. I also wish you all peace with your creator of whom we celebrate at Christmas. Christ be with you and your families!